Whew..been gone a while. Took a mental break. Here's a little something I wrote on the plane last night. Nothing great. Just a little something to hold you over until my blog tonight. Happy reading.
I think about the moon
I think about the stars,
I think about the time I spent on Mars.
I think about you and I think about them,
I think about her and I think about him.
I think about the time I spilt my drink
all over you,
all over me.
I think about the time I wore your hat
and how I swung your wooden bat
at your cat,
your ugly cat.
I think about your lips on mine,
and how they change the face of time.
I think about the way you read
and when we dance, you make me lead.
I like it when you clutch my coffee,
and how you like your rootbeer frosty.
I think of the way you lock your doors,
and how your shirts lay on my floors.
I think of when I crashed your car,
and you got mad...
and kissed me.
I think about the way your drive,
and how you kiss my cheek at five.
I think about the way you smell,
and that silly yellow little bell
that you ring, when you want to yell.
I think of how you say my name,
and in my heart ignites a flame.
I think of how you love my God,
and how I thank my wonderful God,
for you, who loves blue...
in those silly red shoes.
I think of how you look above,
the stars at night that write of love.
I just think of you with me at night,
as I fly above the clouds tonight.
I look down and see the lights below,
which dance and kiss with midnight glow.
Reminding me to think things through,
mostly just thinking ....
of you.
cupcakes make me think sweet thoughts!! :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Welcome Home Party... Tonight
Five years she fought. Battled. War upon her fragile temple.
The sun was teasing me as it rised over the hills. My phone rings loudly. Left hand on the wheel, my right hand digging deep in to my purse pulling out everything but my phone.
"Hello"? It was my mom.
"Hey Megan, what are you doing"?
" Just driving to work"
" Megan I want to tell you something"
"What"
" Lucy died this morning. 3:30am."
Oh.... my... God.
She wasn't my grandmother but she was a grandmother figure. My grandpa married her shortly before I was born. They had a farm and a ranch that sat on many acres. I loved being out there. I was a needle in a hay stack. Climbing the hay stacks.
She lifted me up when the angry turkey charged me. I hated that turkey. Mean turkey.
I named a cow Sugar. She was black and white. I loved that cow. My grandfather wanted her sold. Lucy made sure she wasn't. For me. Just me.
Once, I cried for my father as I watched him drive away with my mother. Up the rocky hill. Out the gate. I didn't know what vacation meant at that age. All I knew is they were disappearing. My pink polka dotted suitcase sat beside my light up shoes. With pink laces. She held me in her arms. Stroking my hair as I buried my tear streamed face on her shoulder. She consoled me. She swayed me back and forth. Shushing me gently. She hummed a little.
That night she taught me how to sing the itsy bitsy spider.
So, while the people she loved slept with the stars, up the water spout she went. Down came her rain.
Somethin sweet awaits her tonight. Somethin sweet.
The sun was teasing me as it rised over the hills. My phone rings loudly. Left hand on the wheel, my right hand digging deep in to my purse pulling out everything but my phone.
"Hello"? It was my mom.
"Hey Megan, what are you doing"?
" Just driving to work"
" Megan I want to tell you something"
"What"
" Lucy died this morning. 3:30am."
Oh.... my... God.
She wasn't my grandmother but she was a grandmother figure. My grandpa married her shortly before I was born. They had a farm and a ranch that sat on many acres. I loved being out there. I was a needle in a hay stack. Climbing the hay stacks.
She lifted me up when the angry turkey charged me. I hated that turkey. Mean turkey.
I named a cow Sugar. She was black and white. I loved that cow. My grandfather wanted her sold. Lucy made sure she wasn't. For me. Just me.
Once, I cried for my father as I watched him drive away with my mother. Up the rocky hill. Out the gate. I didn't know what vacation meant at that age. All I knew is they were disappearing. My pink polka dotted suitcase sat beside my light up shoes. With pink laces. She held me in her arms. Stroking my hair as I buried my tear streamed face on her shoulder. She consoled me. She swayed me back and forth. Shushing me gently. She hummed a little.
That night she taught me how to sing the itsy bitsy spider.
So, while the people she loved slept with the stars, up the water spout she went. Down came her rain.
Somethin sweet awaits her tonight. Somethin sweet.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tonight.. I'm from Mars.
Beautiful you.
I sit on Mars, way up here above the stars.
Do you ride on trolly cars? Like we on earth do
pretty Mars?
Do you ride on firery dragons?
or like us, a buzzy wagon.
Have you anything to brag on
that we haven't, pretty Mars?
Have you men that do or dare?
this way, that way everywhere.
That's what we have- pretty mars.
I use you Mars, to love him more. You invented my memory of him. You put beauty in my hands. I watch his meteor shower detonate under the sun. A sun that slumbers when I'm with you. Sweet Mars, Where is Juliet? I thought she was the sun? I linger on your edge. You catch me- because I drift into his flame. Just a flame. Hot. Dangerous. Addicting. I use you Mars, to imagine unearthly thoughts. I can do that when I'm with you. Far away. Up here, above the stars. They seem weary tonight. Just tonight I hope.
You illistrate a moon that sings. A singing moon. Who fastin the eyes of dreamers. Dreamers who dream. Dream away. Until they reach us. The dreams I mean. I can see them. Touch them. Make them come true. For dreamers like me who dream of you. The heavens are flooded with pleasure. Marvel. They float over you. Fall on you. Gently.
Oh Mars, eternity sits on your lips. Bliss on your brow. You laugh at me. Sudden, you thrust me off of you, into the night. Why have you betrayed me? I fall fast. Through glowing stars. Across God's palette. I slip off the tip of God's paintbrush-out of the universe where love truely exists. Bring me back tonight. When I close my eyes to dream. To dream of him. To read the dreams of dreamers like me.
Mars, answer me this, and let it be truth
How much is night in love with you?
A cupcake a night brings sweet dreams delight.
I sit on Mars, way up here above the stars.
Do you ride on trolly cars? Like we on earth do
pretty Mars?
Do you ride on firery dragons?
or like us, a buzzy wagon.
Have you anything to brag on
that we haven't, pretty Mars?
Have you men that do or dare?
this way, that way everywhere.
That's what we have- pretty mars.
I use you Mars, to love him more. You invented my memory of him. You put beauty in my hands. I watch his meteor shower detonate under the sun. A sun that slumbers when I'm with you. Sweet Mars, Where is Juliet? I thought she was the sun? I linger on your edge. You catch me- because I drift into his flame. Just a flame. Hot. Dangerous. Addicting. I use you Mars, to imagine unearthly thoughts. I can do that when I'm with you. Far away. Up here, above the stars. They seem weary tonight. Just tonight I hope.
You illistrate a moon that sings. A singing moon. Who fastin the eyes of dreamers. Dreamers who dream. Dream away. Until they reach us. The dreams I mean. I can see them. Touch them. Make them come true. For dreamers like me who dream of you. The heavens are flooded with pleasure. Marvel. They float over you. Fall on you. Gently.
Oh Mars, eternity sits on your lips. Bliss on your brow. You laugh at me. Sudden, you thrust me off of you, into the night. Why have you betrayed me? I fall fast. Through glowing stars. Across God's palette. I slip off the tip of God's paintbrush-out of the universe where love truely exists. Bring me back tonight. When I close my eyes to dream. To dream of him. To read the dreams of dreamers like me.
Mars, answer me this, and let it be truth
How much is night in love with you?
A cupcake a night brings sweet dreams delight.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Ugh... Diets
Day three of my grusome, repugnant diet is upon me. What is a diet anyway? It should be illegal. It should never be spoken of woman nor man. Ugh. Diets. I find myself in a struggle as I search for my long lost tennis shoes. A pair of pink and blue Nike's peek out from under a pile of clothes. The shoe laces hang off the shelf, isolated from the flip flop community that has settled there. Moans of agony come from the pit of my stomach out my lips as I slip them on my feet. Pink and blue Nike's fit perfectfully.
I feel taller.
The treadmill is a bully. I believe that I am slowly walking my way into it's good grace. Barbells befriend me. Stretching brings consequence from the unforgiving choices of double cheeseburgers. The chin up bars look down on me, snickering. My sports bra shifts all directions. My jogging pants which are to fit loosely feel like leggins. My tank top won't stay on my shoulders.. and.. did I just hear the eliptical machine whisper "your a hot mess". Ugh. Diets.
McDonalds glares at me as I stop at a red light. It's golden arches burning through my windshield. The drive through menu is extra bright. They must of finally fixed the lights. Why? Why now? Sonic flipped me the bird this morning because I didn't stop to have my usual breakfast. I shrugged my shoulders with guilt. I abondoned them. They never abondoned me. They were there for me. They comforted me. I no longer need them in my life. Want them in my life. Have them in my life. Ugh. Diets.
Water bottles replace Dr.Pepper on the top and bottom shelf of my refriderator. Water cleanses my soul. My mind. My spirit. I need spirit right now. A strong one. The elevator no longer sees me. No longer feels my finger on it's buttons. No longer hears my quiet singing as I go up..and down. Oh how I miss arriving to my classroom, not winded. A bouncy ball replaces my leather chair that allowed me to roll across my desk area. My back becomes angry. Ugh. Diets.
I can do this. I'm a no matter what woman. I am strong.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Writer's Block
I have no idea what to write about tonight. I usually take the weekends off to rest my industrious brain but, each time I do, I always find myself sitting in front of my computer with the cursor blinking at me. Laughing at me. My dog wonders around me. She knows when I have the laptop on my ..well..lap, not to bother me. Except, tonight I find her a sweet distraction. My thoughts are drowned by sounds of "Meet The Faulkers" and my washing machine.
The sun has set and the wind is picking up lovingly. Back to the chopping block tomorrow with my 17 little smarties with their light up Nike's and Twinkle Toes. This week we discuss bears and hybernation. This should be interesting.
I haven't been sleeping much because I have new nieghbors who insist on staying up till 5am playing video games. I can hear the wife bellowing at her husband to come to bed. I can hear the daughter blow drying her hair at 5 in the morning. I guess I should silently deliver one of my bogus " manager" letters stating there will be a fine if the noise continues!! It's worked before. :)
The moon is hiding tonight. I know it gets a lot of flack because of it's responsibilities. I wonder what the moon would say if it could talk? Would the sun complain that it was too hot? What about the stars? Do they wish they could all be counted? Or do they live their own life, living magestically together, guilty of love?
I'll sleep on that question. Goodnight.
I wish I may, I wish I might, dream of cupcakes all of the night :)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Love Letter From Vietnam
My dear love,
November 18, 1969
November 18, 1969
Rain falls from the heavens as I think of you tonight. I dream of the moment I get to hold you in my arms again. This letter won't be long but I had to tell you how much I love you. How much I miss you. It's hot here. South Vietnam is no walk in the park. Your a walk in the park.
I don't know why it keeps raining. I've been sent over to the Medical camp today to help out with the soldiers. I am training new medics. You won't believe how bloody it is in here. The stinch of war and courage fills the room. It's bitter sweet really. Tomorrow we start running out in to the line to look for lost, wounded soldiers. It's a scary world outside this tent. Bombs dropping, rifles letting loose. It trembles my bed.
I tremble... at the thought of never seeing you or our children again.
I have become sort of a counselor. I'm somebody to talk to. I'm a listening ear. I am here to serve and fight for our Country. I smoked my last cigar the other night. It was so nice to have a moment of peace. It didn't last long. Before I knew it I was taking cover under a house due to bombs. I cover my head and closed my eyes. I can feel pieces of buildings fall upon me. I await the moment of silence after each bomb. I can think for a minute, and brace myself for the next one.
How are the kids? Growing I bet. How is Cindy doing in school? Is David behaving himself? I got a letter from Cathy last week. Her handwriting is improving. Tell them I love them will you? Tell them I will be back soon. I have sent a tape recorder with my voice on it. I just talk about my days here. You can't hear me sometimes because of the sirens that go off in the background. They aren't anything to be scared of. Are they scared? Tell them not to be. I'm coming home. Tell David to send me more bandaids, the soldiers appreciate them!
Are you wondering where your perfume went? I took it before I left. I spray it on my pillow so it's as if your next to me at night. I get a little piece of you before I fall asleep. Well, the little sleep that we get here. I sure miss you guys. I get a good view of the stars from my tent. There is a few holes in the roof. I imagine pieces of you in the sky, shining down on me, making the face of heaven so fine and all the world in love with night. I breathe you in and fall asleep to the thought of you and our children together again. Some men won't see their loves again. My heart aches for the ones who wail with pain and touch death with their fingertips. They are the ones out there, protecting. Fighting. Defending. All with honor and dignity, courage and consequence.
If this be my last letter to you, my love, tell our children I am with them always. I am with you always. I will sing you songs in the wind. I miss you my love. I miss our children. Cindy, Cathy and David.
Remember the day I told you I loved you? Maginify that by ten million and ten.
Until next time my sweet. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Goodnight.
Love to you
Ron
Thank you grandpa for saving the lives of many. Risking your life to bandage the wounds of our soldiers.
Grandma, thank you for being you. Love.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Oh You Hump Day!!
I'm so tired today. I sit in my classroom, starving. I'm wait for my colleague to finish grading papers as my stomach roars with anger. My head pounds from the echoes of high pitched voices roaming through the hallways. Lockers slam loud and the copy machine is broken.. for the third time this week. My GT student won't keep his shoes on. We have had a firedrill, tornadoe drill and a lock down drill all in one day. Is that even possible? I have five hundred and fifty five...no wait..fifty six parents approach me at one time. With a headache. I don't have the answers for once. I tell them "I will get back to you". I hate saying that- when knowing I left my superwoman cape at home. I do love my job. My students. My life. I love my desk that lovingly cradles the papers which hold deadly deadlines. I love my blue shag carpet that hideously smells like sandbox and monkeybars. I love how my projector slide shoots up and spins if I don't hold it the right way. My days go by like a strand in the wind. I sometimes wish I can stand outside my glass house and witness my lovely, beautiful crazy life. Sometimes I just wish I can throw rocks at a glass house. I bet that would be interesting. I hear Adele playing in the background as I pick up the remaining shredded paper left from my 17 busy bodies. I sit up with a handful of multicolored construction paper and say to myself " Oh, I love Adele".
I can't grade papers because I lent the second grade teacher down the hall my EZ grader, which, she forgot to mention that she was taking it home. I really need that grader. I find it really hard to grade without my magic red sharpie when, I left the lid off last night. It dried out while I slumbered, alone in the dark classroom, laying on a desk full of ungraded papers. What an awful way to parish. I really do consider myself lucky. Amazingly honest.
However, sometimes I'm tired. Really tired. Tonight. I'm tired. Anybody else feel me??
anybody?
Monday, November 8, 2010
My 78 Favorite Quotes from Anchorman!!!
There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. . He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls...............................
anywhoo... here are my 78 most FAVORITE quotes from anchorman!!! Stay classy Austin :)
1. when in rome
2. i miss your scent..i miss your musk.
3. stay classy san diego
4. my ALABASTER doll
5. i know one day me and veronica are gonna get married on the mountain and there will be flutes playing
6.did you throw a barrioto out fo the window??
7. sir, this town needs news, and your going to deprive them of that bc i have breasts..exquisit breasts??
8. i'm good at three things fighting, screwing and reading the news.. now i've already done one of those toay so whats the other one gonna be huh?
10. you ruined my day you scorpian woman
11.those were not real pirates but, they sure looked convincing
12. i am going to punch you in public
14. keep a tight perimeter
15.i've had about enough of you mantooth, lets dance dickweed
16. rick, wher'd you get a hand granade?
17. looks like we got ourselves a bilingual bloodfest
18. before we fight, lets go over some ground rules rule# 1 no
touching of hair and face..AND THATS IT..not lets fight!!19. i killed a guy with a trident
20. you kept your head on a swivel and thats what you have to do when you find yourself in a cockfight
21. im not a baby, im a man..im an anchorman
22. im a man who discovered the effiel tower.
23. you are a smelly pirate hooker
25. ow!!! nights of columbus that hurts.
26. i hate your ron burgundy, you poop mouth.. poop.. just poop coming all out of your mouth..poop mouth..
27. don't you know i would never say the word fu**, the word fu** , fu**, i would never say the word fu**29. im expressing my inner madness with the majesty of song
30. i have no heart bc a she devil stole it.
31. just watch out for the guns, they'll get ya
32. Ron, i know this sounds harsh, but God does NOT want her to live.
34. i immediatlely regret this decision, the bears, they looked so much small from up there.
35. sweet eli whitney snooze it wasn't you was it???
36. it takes impending death to realize how much i need you.
37. BEAR FIGHT
38. hey ron, i'm riding a furry tractor
39. i will tell tales of your companionship
40. i will lick you, i will lick you in front of everyone
41. today we spell redemption..R.O.N
42. there are 1000's of men that i should be with right now but, ron, i am 72 percent that i should be with you.
43. excuse me, is that sex panther your wearing??
44. you stay classy, planet earth
45. hey everyone, come and see how good i look
46. ribs, that what i had for lunch today, thats why I'm doing this ( picking tooth)
47. i love scotch, scotch scotch scotsch, here it goes now..down my belly
48. if you were a man I would punch you in the mouth
49. i know what your asking youself and yes, I do have a nick name for my penis
50. by the beard of the slues, she's hot
51. you have an absouletly breathtaking hiney, i wanna be friends with it.
52. i dont know how to put this but, i'm kind of a big deal
53. my apartment smells of rich mohagany
54. i wanna be on you.
55. your so wise, your like a minature buda, covered in hair
56. you pooped in the refridgerator? im not even mad, thats amazing
57. i ate a big red candle
58. i believe diversity is a old wooden ship used in the world war
59. it is anchorMAN, not anchorlady and that is scientifc fact
60. I dont know what I'm yelling about.
61. i would like to some bbq on that behind and just munch munch munch munch
62. im very aroused.
63. hey, where did you get those clothes..at the....toilet store?
64. i will take you mother, dorethy mantooth to a nice seafood dinner, and never call her again.
65. it is bologna
66. what do you say we go out on a date, maybe some chicken, maybe some sex..
67. time to musk up
68. stings the nostrils....in a good way
69. cough, look over here
70. i would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
71. the only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show
72.oh its such a deep burn..its so deep
73. mr burgundy you have a massive erection.
74. im sorry, its the pleats..its actually an optical illution..
75. in the early days they named it san diago which means, a whales vagina
76. thats baby making music thats what that is
77. i freakin love you
78. i love....carpet, i love....desk, i love..lamp
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Dreamed a Dream
Goodnight sweet moon. Goonight sweet Loela. Goodnight.
My gas tank was full and I didn't hit any bumps when putting on my mascara..which was made of crushed diamonds. I got to work on time. I didn't have to suck in when passing my colleagues because I was skinny...in my skinny jeans. My classroom door unlocked without any problems. My room was actually vaccumed and dusted. It smelt good. I had an ice cold dr.pepper waiting for me on my desk, thanks to coach mendoza. My lesson plans were laid out and circle time activites were completed mysteriously. I checked my mail and had 100 letters from the president in my inbox stating he was doing away with TAKS and increasing anyone who educates salary. I replied with a smiley face. My facebook status said " free cupcakes in my room".
My students come in and sit down without saying a word. Homework completed and all. Circle time was done in a flash without any interruptions. Everyone was in class on time. Except.. nothing abnormal about this scene.
Lunch was chicken fried chicken with mac and cheese. Homemade ranch dressing on the side. Served to me. He floods my truck in watermelon bubbalicious and then chews a piece with me. The bell rings at exactly 3:30. I don't have any work to do because it's already been done. Mysteriously. I drive home. I hug loela. Rest. I don't think about anything. My mind doesn't know how to go a million miles an hour. I brush my teeth with sugar because it makes my teeth white, and doesn't cause cavities. Lay in bed which forgets to deflate every hour on the hour. I close my eyes without thinking about anything. I can pray without falling asleep on God. I rest in Him. I sleep on my side because I won't ever need to roll over to adjust the deflation. I sleep. Peace.
I woke up. Laughed at the dream I just had. Back to sleep.
I like the orange cupcakes, it's like a dreamsicle :)
This morning I woke to find myself at the corner of first and fabulous. My skinny jeans slipped on without a glitch and all my laundry that lay crinkled on my bed was magically hung up, by color. The pink ribbon in my hair tied perfectly. My lips were slicked with sweet mint balm and my cheeks, pink with happiness. I walked in my bathroom to see my dog using the toilet instead of my floor, then she made my bed. I walked down my stairs without slipping, tripping, stumbleing or falling. I used the right key to lock my door. I got in to my truck without spilling my drink. My truck shot out cold air and blew through my long voluminous hair. I opened the door before backing out of the garage for the first time in two weeks. I hit every green light and there was no traffic. Every song on the radio that I wanted to hear played..twice.
My gas tank was full and I didn't hit any bumps when putting on my mascara..which was made of crushed diamonds. I got to work on time. I didn't have to suck in when passing my colleagues because I was skinny...in my skinny jeans. My classroom door unlocked without any problems. My room was actually vaccumed and dusted. It smelt good. I had an ice cold dr.pepper waiting for me on my desk, thanks to coach mendoza. My lesson plans were laid out and circle time activites were completed mysteriously. I checked my mail and had 100 letters from the president in my inbox stating he was doing away with TAKS and increasing anyone who educates salary. I replied with a smiley face. My facebook status said " free cupcakes in my room". My students come in and sit down without saying a word. Homework completed and all. Circle time was done in a flash without any interruptions. Everyone was in class on time. Except.. nothing abnormal about this scene.
Lunch was chicken fried chicken with mac and cheese. Homemade ranch dressing on the side. Served to me. He floods my truck in watermelon bubbalicious and then chews a piece with me. The bell rings at exactly 3:30. I don't have any work to do because it's already been done. Mysteriously. I drive home. I hug loela. Rest. I don't think about anything. My mind doesn't know how to go a million miles an hour. I brush my teeth with sugar because it makes my teeth white, and doesn't cause cavities. Lay in bed which forgets to deflate every hour on the hour. I close my eyes without thinking about anything. I can pray without falling asleep on God. I rest in Him. I sleep on my side because I won't ever need to roll over to adjust the deflation. I sleep. Peace.
I woke up. Laughed at the dream I just had. Back to sleep.
I like the orange cupcakes, it's like a dreamsicle :)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I didn't say goodbye
I can't seem to forgive myself for not saying goodbye. She laid there so peaceful, so content. Sleeping.
I can't forget the smell of vicks vapor rub when I hugged her. Her cheeks sunkin in and her eyes displaying tiny blue hazy circles. A white fleece blanket kept her warm. I didn't recognize her. I didn't want to recognize her. Not like that. I whispered that I loved her in her ear. She smiled. She couldn't tell me she loved me back.. that's not possible.
What's happening?.......
I escape to the bathroom where I fell to my knees, covered my face and flooded my hands with tears. I'm not supposed to feel this way in her house. A house that smelt like sweet cinnamon. A house that wrapped your spirit in ribbons. A house with brown sugar kisses and chortle. A house with the sound of sweet tea being stirred and pool balls clinking around. It was now a house of quiet sobs, tissues being pulled from boxes and worry. My aunt found me and lifted me up off the floor. She wrapped me in her arms. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to.
I tried to occupy my time in her house with video games and television. I didn't spend much time with her. I thought if I didn't see her, fading from me, then it wasn't real. I prayed and prayed to my almighty God to restore her health and give her back to me. Me. Give her back to me. Tears stained the sheets as I kneeled before the Lord, selfishly begging Him. I told God everything I loved about her. Everything I knew about her. The moon replaced the sun..her sun. The sun replaced the moon...her moon.
I sat next to her one evening and watched as she breathed. Her chest slowly rising and slowing falling. Her eyes closed and her hands gently resting on her stomach. Her feet were covered in fleece footies..her favorite. Her skin burnished with lotion. I just watched her. I thought if I sat there long enough, looking at her, that maybe I can heal her. Maybe all she needed was me. Silly me for thinking such. I don't have healing powers but, I thought to myself, how come the One who does have the power, isn't doing anything? Doesn't He see my family was in a season of sadness and mourning? DO SOMETHING. I yelled at God. I was mad at God. I questioned..my God.
I took a deep breath and buried my face in my hands. I sat indian style next to her. I can hear the T.V in the living room and people shuffling around. I smelt turkey in the oven. I can hear my mom reading a recipe to my aunt as they took over the kitchen. Her kitchen. Where she would cook. Where she would make beautiful tasty messes. Where she would look at me from the stove and say "I love you sugar". Her kitchen was the only place where I made the best rice crispy treats!! Or maybe it was just her sweetness. I lifted my head from my hands and rested them on hers. She lifted on hand and laid it on top on mine. She was awake all this time? She saw me crying. She heard my cries to God. She felt my hands. She knew.
That was the last time I went in that room. Where someone beautiful laid quiet and content. Listening to the ones she loved miss her, cry for her, lingering around in hopes of a miracle. I would pass by and peek in to get a glimps of her. I couldn't take it anymore. I was ready to go home. The next morning I asked my mother if I could fly back to Texas. I couln't be in this house anymore. It wasn't the same without her walking around in her fancy shoes and painted toes. Her spirit wasn't there anymore. God was going to take her.... and we knew it. We felt it. We hated it.
I flew home that next morning. When I woke up I got dressed quickly and packed the last few of my things. My dad helped my carry my suitcase to the car. I passed her room, dark and quiet. I shut the door behind me. I sat in the car looking at her house, her sweet house. I pressed my hand against the window and swallowed my urge to cry. Over the hill I went and I no longer could see her. Hear her. Feel her.
I.. her first granddaughter didn't say goodbye.
I looked up and saw the moon. I saw stars still glistening. I whispered to God " you can take her now".
I knew I was never going to see her again this life. The plane ride back to Texas was long. I flew high above the clouds. I wanted to go higher, and higher into the heavens and wait for her. I got home later that evening and sat on my couch. A stillness came over me. I didn't know what to do from here. I just left her. In that dark room, where she will wake up not ever seeing my face again. What was I thinking?
It was 3:20am when my phone rang. I fumbled around for my phone in a daze. My caller ID said "mom". I knew. She was gone. Gone forever. "He..he..hello?"........... "mom?"......
I flew back to Alabama the next day. Family I hadn't seen since I was 12 greeted me at the baggage claim. I didn't want to see my mother. I knew I would lose it. I turned to hear my dads famous whistle which he would do to get my attention. I turned to see him and my mother walking together. My mom was pale. I embraced her. She cried on my shoulder. I felt her body jolt from intense mourning.
The funeral was the next day. I had a lot of mental preparing to do. The family gathered for dinner and we all hugged and talked about the good time we had with her. We laughed and told stories of her. We reminisced on the family vacations with her and how she taught me how to do a somersault in her pantyhose and long skirt. lol. Goodness... she always made me smile. She always brought laughter and love. Her soul was on fire and she loved God. With all her heart. Her heart. Her... beautiful heart, which, no longer beat to the patterns of life.
We had a private funeral. Just the family. It rained a little. The tears strolled down our sunglassed covered faces. Our tissues were used and worn. Our cheeks red from crying. Our hair blown from the breeze that blew during her eulogy. It was finished. Her life was lived to the fullest. Her love continues to spread like wildfire through memories. Her heartbeat still plays over and over in my head. I smell her sometimes. In the winds that blow. Except......... I never said goodbye.
Her name was Sandra Ann and she always had a drawer full of candy. Whatever drawer she is reaching in now, must have something pretty sweet in it.
Grandma, send me a cupcake... from heaven :)
I can't forget the smell of vicks vapor rub when I hugged her. Her cheeks sunkin in and her eyes displaying tiny blue hazy circles. A white fleece blanket kept her warm. I didn't recognize her. I didn't want to recognize her. Not like that. I whispered that I loved her in her ear. She smiled. She couldn't tell me she loved me back.. that's not possible.
What's happening?.......
I escape to the bathroom where I fell to my knees, covered my face and flooded my hands with tears. I'm not supposed to feel this way in her house. A house that smelt like sweet cinnamon. A house that wrapped your spirit in ribbons. A house with brown sugar kisses and chortle. A house with the sound of sweet tea being stirred and pool balls clinking around. It was now a house of quiet sobs, tissues being pulled from boxes and worry. My aunt found me and lifted me up off the floor. She wrapped me in her arms. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to.
I tried to occupy my time in her house with video games and television. I didn't spend much time with her. I thought if I didn't see her, fading from me, then it wasn't real. I prayed and prayed to my almighty God to restore her health and give her back to me. Me. Give her back to me. Tears stained the sheets as I kneeled before the Lord, selfishly begging Him. I told God everything I loved about her. Everything I knew about her. The moon replaced the sun..her sun. The sun replaced the moon...her moon.
I sat next to her one evening and watched as she breathed. Her chest slowly rising and slowing falling. Her eyes closed and her hands gently resting on her stomach. Her feet were covered in fleece footies..her favorite. Her skin burnished with lotion. I just watched her. I thought if I sat there long enough, looking at her, that maybe I can heal her. Maybe all she needed was me. Silly me for thinking such. I don't have healing powers but, I thought to myself, how come the One who does have the power, isn't doing anything? Doesn't He see my family was in a season of sadness and mourning? DO SOMETHING. I yelled at God. I was mad at God. I questioned..my God.
I took a deep breath and buried my face in my hands. I sat indian style next to her. I can hear the T.V in the living room and people shuffling around. I smelt turkey in the oven. I can hear my mom reading a recipe to my aunt as they took over the kitchen. Her kitchen. Where she would cook. Where she would make beautiful tasty messes. Where she would look at me from the stove and say "I love you sugar". Her kitchen was the only place where I made the best rice crispy treats!! Or maybe it was just her sweetness. I lifted my head from my hands and rested them on hers. She lifted on hand and laid it on top on mine. She was awake all this time? She saw me crying. She heard my cries to God. She felt my hands. She knew.
That was the last time I went in that room. Where someone beautiful laid quiet and content. Listening to the ones she loved miss her, cry for her, lingering around in hopes of a miracle. I would pass by and peek in to get a glimps of her. I couldn't take it anymore. I was ready to go home. The next morning I asked my mother if I could fly back to Texas. I couln't be in this house anymore. It wasn't the same without her walking around in her fancy shoes and painted toes. Her spirit wasn't there anymore. God was going to take her.... and we knew it. We felt it. We hated it.
I flew home that next morning. When I woke up I got dressed quickly and packed the last few of my things. My dad helped my carry my suitcase to the car. I passed her room, dark and quiet. I shut the door behind me. I sat in the car looking at her house, her sweet house. I pressed my hand against the window and swallowed my urge to cry. Over the hill I went and I no longer could see her. Hear her. Feel her.
I.. her first granddaughter didn't say goodbye.
I looked up and saw the moon. I saw stars still glistening. I whispered to God " you can take her now".
I knew I was never going to see her again this life. The plane ride back to Texas was long. I flew high above the clouds. I wanted to go higher, and higher into the heavens and wait for her. I got home later that evening and sat on my couch. A stillness came over me. I didn't know what to do from here. I just left her. In that dark room, where she will wake up not ever seeing my face again. What was I thinking?
It was 3:20am when my phone rang. I fumbled around for my phone in a daze. My caller ID said "mom". I knew. She was gone. Gone forever. "He..he..hello?"........... "mom?"......
I flew back to Alabama the next day. Family I hadn't seen since I was 12 greeted me at the baggage claim. I didn't want to see my mother. I knew I would lose it. I turned to hear my dads famous whistle which he would do to get my attention. I turned to see him and my mother walking together. My mom was pale. I embraced her. She cried on my shoulder. I felt her body jolt from intense mourning.
The funeral was the next day. I had a lot of mental preparing to do. The family gathered for dinner and we all hugged and talked about the good time we had with her. We laughed and told stories of her. We reminisced on the family vacations with her and how she taught me how to do a somersault in her pantyhose and long skirt. lol. Goodness... she always made me smile. She always brought laughter and love. Her soul was on fire and she loved God. With all her heart. Her heart. Her... beautiful heart, which, no longer beat to the patterns of life.
We had a private funeral. Just the family. It rained a little. The tears strolled down our sunglassed covered faces. Our tissues were used and worn. Our cheeks red from crying. Our hair blown from the breeze that blew during her eulogy. It was finished. Her life was lived to the fullest. Her love continues to spread like wildfire through memories. Her heartbeat still plays over and over in my head. I smell her sometimes. In the winds that blow. Except......... I never said goodbye.
Her name was Sandra Ann and she always had a drawer full of candy. Whatever drawer she is reaching in now, must have something pretty sweet in it.
Grandma, send me a cupcake... from heaven :)
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