Before I begin this mini series of my angry conversations with God, I wanted to let you know that I got the inspiration from the actual book My Angry Conversations With God. I would go in to detail about the book but I figured you could check it out yourself.
My responses were blurbs here and there during many nights of prayer. I used God's responses as if how I could imagine Him saying to me. He has brought me far and I wanted to share this with you (whoever is listening). I hope you enjoy.
When I was 12, I made the decision to become saved. My youth pastor assisted me down three slippery stairs and guided me towards the middle of the baptism tank. I remember looking down and seeing people looking up at me. I could see my mother and father sitting in the middle of the pews, anxiously awaiting my baptism. I wore a long white robe that covered my feet. The sleeves roofed my arms and hands. I covered my little nose with my little hand and was gently bent back into the water. It was a bit chilly but, my soul was cleansed.
I immediately began imagining all the angels celebrating in Heaven. I envisioned God using a pink glittery pen as He signed my name in the Book of Life. I wonder if He uses all capital letters when He writes people's names on those beautiful sheets of paper? I was covered by the blood. I was loved. I had my one-way, only way ticket to eternity.
Years past and I began to forget about God. I mean, I never forgot about Him, I would just put Him to the side whenever I needed Him. I was always the "backseat driver" in our relationship, never wanting to be patient or still. I thought if I took the wheel, I can steer my life in the direction I wanted it to go, where I thought it needed to go. God never argued with me. He would simply pull over, hop in the backseat and not say a word. He didn't have to say anything at all. I knew I would always steer us in the wrong direction. Without His guidance, my compass never worked. I was always lost. Always in the dark and always hitting really hard speedbumps. No wonder He would always buckle up.
Seasons came and went as I flourished into an adult. I finished college and went back and forth between hot and cold with my relationship with God. After I finished my certification, I was having trouble finding a teaching position. I would interview and interview and.. interview. Nothing. I didn't know what was going on. I was educated. My tests were taken and passed. I nailed all the questions. God, why am I not getting any calls??
Then one night, in the darkness of my one bedroom apartment, with the moon illuminating my room, He spoke back to me. It's like I could hear His voice. I wanted to record my prayers in a journal and I used God's responses of how I would hear Him if we were actually having a conversation. This was a season of struggle for me. A season I was not prepared for. This time, I wasn't driving. I was told to buckle up and to be still. Quietly and quickly.
Tuesday May 19, 2009
I'm sleepy tonight. I can't write when I'm sleepy. I can hardly finish a prayer. However, I hear that it brings God joy to know that you are praying in peace, resting in Him. I can't even think right now. Lately, I have felt drained from assiduous thoughts of getting this teaching job. Why can't I rest?
Me: Hello?? I'm talking to You up there.
God: I know. I have not forgotten about you. I want all of your trust and attention, not temporary trust and attention that I usually get from you.
Me: Sorry, I'm used to getting what I want, and fast.....wait, did You just speak to me??
God: Yes. I always speak to you. You just don't want to listen. I know you are restless. Megan, show me patience. You have asked me for it. Show me you trust me to follow through on the promises I have made for you.
Me: It's hard.
God: Being patient for you to come back to me was hard.
Me: Don't make me feel bad.
God: You don't like the truth, you never have.
Me: Depends. I guess.
God: What matters most, Megan, is that I love you and I am working hard behind this "window" you want
Me to open for you. JUST BE STILL.
Me: Why are you yelling at me?
God: I'm not. My voice is like thunder... remember?
Me: I see, now is not the time for jokes.
God: You are doing a good job of reading my love stories for you.
Me: Love stories? What?
God: Yes, Megan, love stories.. in the Bible?? Hellooooo?
Me: Ohh, yes. They are very comforting.
God: Which is why I say "Rest in Me". I know everything your heart desires. I know everything you need.
Me: But I can't get comfortable knowing that I may be stuck in this hole for the rest of my life.
God: ::sigh:: Here, I will open this wonderful window for you so that you may see what I am planning. Just a peek.
Me: No, I don't want "just a peek", but, that breeze does feel good. I haven't had a breath of fresh air in a long time.
God: Stop letting satan suffocate you. Remember, he fears Me and all you have to is call on me. Breathe. Go to bed. I will be up late planning great things for you.
Me: Alright. I'll leave the light on for You.
God: I am the light.
Me: Ok, show off. I .. I love you.
God: I love you too.
Me: Um, God?
God: Yes..
Me: Will tomorrow be the day? When I find out great things?
God: You see great things everyday. Just look for them. Listen for my voice.
Me: Ok.
God: Goodnight my love.
Me: Goodnight.
To be continued......
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